After spending most of her life in Colorado, Nichole Nordeman was looking for a change of pace. She’d just completed a degree in psychology, and was ready, well, to not study psychology for awhile. And so on a whim, she and a friend packed their car with all their stuff and headed to Hollywood. The two found an apartment and returned to their profession of choice—waiting tables. But never did she dream that in the midst of this somewhat mundane adventure, God would pluck her out of her wanderings and place her on the path she’s journeying today. It’s been a challenging trek, but a rewarding one nonetheless. And with each mile marker passed, God continues molding this deep-thinking songwriter into a believer who dares to live within the mystery.
TOUGH TIMES
Although Nichole grew up in the church and made a decision for Christ early on in her life, she’s the first to admit that in her early twenties, her walk with God was far from active. “I was the perfect Christian kid through high school and college. I felt like I was living what I said I believed. Then, my last year of college I began going so far into the questioning, the doubts, and the gray areas of my faith that I lost sight of the truth in many ways.”
So how did the perfect kid grow up to be the questioner of all that she once knew to be true? Looking back, she points to several factors. “There’s a myth I grew up believing wholeheartedly: that somehow questioning equals weakness, or doubt equals weakness,” she recalls. “I grew up thinking that I was the only one in the room, in my youth group or in my class who just didn’t get it.” The fear of facing those doubts, of not having an answer for everything in her faith, freaked her out. Instead of turning to God, Nichole kept those feelings inside.
Add her parents’ divorce (when she was 18) to this already confusing mix, and you’ve got the picture of why Nichole chose to walk away from her faith—all the way to Hollywood. “My parents’ divorce was certainly painful, but even more painful was the reaction of the Christian community to rush to judgment, to point fingers and to whisper—as if I had any choice in the matter. That left such a bad taste in my mouth, not with regard to Jesus, but with regard to the church. I used that as an excuse to say that I didn’t really want a whole lot to do with it anymore. Looking back, it was kind of a lame cop-out.”
ENTER, STAGE RIGHT
So there she was, cop-out or not, living in a one-bedroom apartment in Los Angeles with her friend, and little room for God. “A lot of those paths for me [during that time] were selfish lifestyle choices. Choices to party. Choices to be in relationships that were not honoring to God. Choices to do what I wanted to do. Choices to occasionally put on a Christian façade, while the rest of my life was anything but Christian. It was an exhausting time in my life—trying to keep up an image but not really backing it up.”
Strangely enough, it was during this season that this also aspiring musician came across a songwriting competition in the area, sponsored by the Gospel Music Association. “As I look back, it’s astonishing to me that I even entered it,” Nichole laughs. “For whatever reason,” she continues, “in the middle of all my spiritual wanderings, the one thing that barely tethered me to my relationship to God was my music. I hadn’t played publicly in a long time. Still, I was able to sit at my piano in my little apartment by myself and pour out my heart in song to Jesus. And that was sort of the link that kept me hooked into that relationship—even when nobody else knew about it.” But playing in her apartment was one thing, this competition was something entirely different.
Different, yes. But no surprise to God. While Nichole stole the show and walked away with loads of new contacts in Nashville, she also came face to face with the fact that she was in no position to take on the role of Christian singer. “When somebody says, ‘Wow, your music is awesome and we want to sign you to a record deal,’ but they don’t know the darkness in your own heart,” says Nichole, “it causes you to crumble before God. I had to reconcile my faith at that point. It was painful, but so important.”
ON THE ROAD AGAIN
It was another year—one of prayer and reflection—before Nichole felt God give her the okay to pack up her car and head to Nashville, Tennessee. There, she signed on with Sparrow Records and has since produced two CDs.
One glance at her lyrics will tell you that the lessons keep coming! Since renewing her commitment to Christ, Nichole’s been challenged to take another look at some of the fears that initially drove her away: the doubts, the mysteries of God. Her latest album, This Mystery, dares to acknowledge and explore some of these questions with the hope of coming to a better understanding of who Jesus is. But this time around, Nichole knows where to start—with God Himself. “These questions, this searching, has absolutely, without a doubt, strengthened my faith, not made it weaker,” she says. “I think that one of the greatest lessons I’ve learned so far is that sometimes the pathway to truth involves a lot of murky water.”
WHY ME?
God’s also been teaching Nichole a lot about who she is in Christ. “I continue to wrestle with my identity in Christ. So many people assume that self-esteem issues begin and end with high school. While that might be the first time I felt it, I still wrestle with it, even as someone who finally feels relatively secure in her faith and career. It’s still a challenge not to compare myself to the next guy (or girl),” she admits. “I have to surrender my self-esteem and my identity daily, sometimes several times daily to the Lord, and remember that I have worth and self-worth for one reason and that is because I am a creature in Christ.”
Nichole has found that surrender of herself to be especially critical when it comes to sharing her faith with others. “I think it ties in to the whole How am I going to look? scenario. What if I look stupid? What if I say something that sounds really corny or dumb? That fear, which is really a very selfish thing, has kept me from talking about my faith openly at moments,” says Nichole. “There’s a whole song on my latest album, ‘Fool For You,’ that talks about that very topic. Would I be willing to look foolish for the cause of Christ? When I really stop and think about it, it has nothing to do with me. The gospel stands on its own. It should be my privilege to be able to introduce it. The very fact that I’d be worried about how I look or sound when I’m introducing it to someone is so ludicrous. It’s so self-absorbed.”
First Corinthians 4 has been a key chapter for Nichole when it comes to this issue. She says, “This passage talks about how we are unable to speak with our own wisdom. As people who are trying to communicate the gospel, we don’t speak from our own well of advice. But rather, our words are made powerful through the Holy Spirit. Really, it has nothing to do with being lyrically savvy or deep thinking, but rather it has everything to do with the Holy Spirit.”
The more this artist digs into the Word, the more she’s realizing the truth of these statements. “It just seems like throughout Scripture, God purposely chose people who were so inadequate—people who stuttered, people who had no self-confidence, people who killed Christians for a living,” says Nichole. “Time and time again, I notice Jesus picked these sort of Why me? type people. And I don’t think that’s changed a whole lot.”
THAT'S A WRAP
It’s been quite a journey for Nichole since that road trip to Hollywood. And God has been good. The lessons do continue, and her courage has increased. Her advice to those who may identify with her experience is this: “Enjoy finding freedom in the fact that God can handle anything. There is no question too big for God; there is no doubt that’s lurking in the caverns of your mind that you think would make you look like a lousy Christian that God can’t handle. And that goes for skeletons in closets and deep dark secrets and stuff that you think even your parents or youth pastor can’t deal with. He truly is big enough and at the same time small enough to manage the little stuff as well. I was taught all that, but never truly understood it until I really became brave enough to bring my own questions before God. And that’s when I really started to get to know myself as a follower of Christ.” |
